
“Mom, I think I might be autistic,” announced my then 16-year-old daughter to me and her father, one Sunday afternoon.
An avid reader, Adrianna had stumbled onto an article about autism, and it resonated deeply with her because she had been struggling with a variety of social and sensory issues. The information in the article seemed like a reasonable explanation compared to the patchwork of ideas that she had put together about why she was so different.
I feel ashamed to say that, initially, my husband and I blew off the idea of her being on the spectrum because she didn’t seem to fit the typical description of an autistic child. She was very articulate, she had no obvious repetitive behaviors (or so we thought), and she seemed sociable enough. She was also an African-American female, and I had never heard or saw stories about Black girls with autism.
But Adrianna continued to do more research in the form of online self-assessment tests, and by reading more articles and blogs. After several more conversations, we scheduled an appointment with a psychologist to the start the process of getting her evaluated, and Adrianna was officially diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) in early 2023, at the age of 21.
So What is Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)?
Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is a neurological and developmental disorder that affects how people interact with others, communicate, learn, and behave. Although autism can be diagnosed at any age, it is described as a “developmental disorder” because symptoms generally appear in the first 2 years of life.
Below are some examples of common types of behaviors in people diagnosed with ASD, according to the National Institute for Mental Health. Not all people with ASD will have all behaviors, but most will have several of the behaviors listed below.
- Making little or inconsistent eye contact or intensely staring at a person
- Appearing not to look at or listen to people who are talking
- Displaying facial expressions and gestures that do not match what is being said
- Difficulties adjusting behaviors to social situations
- Difficulties sharing in imaginative play or in making friends
- Having an unusual tone of voice that may sound sing-song or flat and robot-like
- Having a lasting intense interest in specific topics, such as numbers, details, or facts
- Being more sensitive or less sensitive than other people to sensory input, such as light, sound, clothing, or temperature
- Being able to learn things in detail and retain information for long periods of time
- Being strong visual and auditory learners
- Excelling in math, science, music, or art
Although Adrianna is learning how to manage the symptoms that come with ASD, and is finding success, dealing with social expectations can be difficult especially when confronted with the callous comments from well-meaning, and sometimes not so well-meaning people.
So below are some things NOT to say to a person on the spectrum, as well as some alternative statements to use, instead.
1. “Why are you so shy?”
My daughter and I recently attended a banquet hosted by a local Junior League chapter. We happened to be seated at a table with a woman who talked incessantly about herself, and dominated the entire conversation.
She talked so much that I could hardly get a word in, and I’m a very outgoing and talkative person. My daughter, who looked like she was feeling slightly overwhelmed, quietly sat there and listened.
After a while, the woman stopped talking, looked at my daughter, and asked, “Why are you so shy?” My daughter and I were taken aback by her rude comment, and I said, “Maybe she was waiting for you to stop talking”. We left shortly after that interaction.
The truth is that people on the autistic spectrum sometimes deal with social anxieties that make it difficult to interact with others, and many times they have difficulties making friends.
It’s important to not make quick judgements about who you think they are, creating more barriers that only further distance them from others.
What you can say instead: I would love to get to know you better. Can you tell me a little bit about yourself?
If the situation lends itself to this, you can ask them to go to lunch (dinner, brunch) so that the two of you can continue to conversation. This helps create community which people on the spectrum desperately need.
2. “You should smile more.”
I cannot tell you how many time someone has said this to my daughter. She has had complete strangers in stores, at malls, even at church come up to her, and tell to “smile”.
People with autism often express their emotions differently which sometimes leads people to assume that they are angry or upset.
I get that sometimes people are uncomfortable when they are interacting with someone who may not be smiling, but that’s not really the other person’s problem. If you feel insecure on uncomfortable, that might be a good time to do some self-evaluation. It’s not the other persons job to make you feel better about who you are.
We simply do not have the right to tell someone what to do with their body. This includes their face, which last time I heard, was on a persons body. As a general rule, you should also avoid offering suggestions to people you don’t know and who haven’t asked for your help.
What you can say instead: Nothing! Remember, we don’t get to tell people what to do with their bodies.
3. “Why are you staring at me like that?”
According to the Above and Beyond ABA Therapy website, persons with autism use intense staring “as a way for them to regulate sensory input and manage sensory overload”.
My daughter had a couple of very interesting interaction as a result of her “staring” at people. The first one was with a professor when she was a student at a local university.
The second incident happened between her and her psychologist, oddly enough. Both men told her that they felt very uncomfortable and intimidated by her staring.
Her father and I jokingly told her that her staring is a superpower, and anytime she needed to scare someone, all she needed to do was to give them an intense stare.
Sometimes people on the spectrum have trouble looking people directly in the eye, and there eyes will wander away from the person they are talking to or who may be talking to them.
The reason for this is that making eye contact can be uncomfortable and stressful for people with autism, especially in social situations. They may also find it difficult to understand social cues and non-literal language.
What you can say instead: “You have an intense look on your face”, or “I notice you’re looking away from me. Is everything okay?”
Asking if they are okay let’s a person with autism know that you’re concerned about them, and that you care.This can be very affirming, especially to people who have ASD.
4. “You don’t look autistic. You seem so normal.”
Honestly, what does that even mean?
We are now discovering that autism comes in many colors, shapes, and sizes. It also shows up in people who are outgoing and extroverted.
Adrianna has a good friend who has ASD who is extremely outgoing, and very expressive. Adrianna, although highly verbal and intelligent, is much more reserved, and introverted.
Autism Spectrum Disorder is just that–it’s a spectrum or a scale between two extreme or opposite points. Depending on where a person lands on the spectrum, they can have more or less severe symptoms.
What you can say instead: Can you explain what it means to be autistic?
It’s okay to admit that you don’t know very much, if anything, about Austism Spectrum Disorder, and to use the opportunity as a learning experience.
5. “Don’t worry, everyone’s a little autistic.”
Actually, that’s not true at all. Sometimes people don’t know what to say when someone tells them about a difficult situation, so instead of being quiet and listening, they say something condescending and dismissive.
According to the National Institute of Health (NIH), 1 in 45 adults in the U.S. are diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD).
While society is much more aware of autism today than ever before thanks to improved public health outreach and increased screening, advocacy and awareness efforts, there are likely many adults with autism who never received a diagnosis or were misdiagnosed.
Everyone, however, doesn’t have autism, and we should be careful about saying such things.
What you can say instead: “I really have no idea what it’s like to be autistic, but I’m here if you would like to talk about it.” This is a thoughtful, respectful way of honoring someone’s diagnosis.
6. ‘Girls don’t get autism. That’s a boy thing.”
To be fair, until recently the poster child for autism has been white children, specifically little white boys.
Research shows that autism in adult women and girls can look different than men and boys. According to the DSM-5-TR, the American Psychiatric Association’s most recent diagnostic manual of mental disorders including autism spectrum disorder (ASD), autistic girls and women may present with:
- Better reciprocal conversation skills
- Higher likelihood of sharing interests with others
- Better ability to understand verbal and nonverbal communication
- Better ability to modify their behavior based on the situation
- Less obvious repetitive behaviors
- More socially accepted special interests (like celebrities or animals)
Sometimes, girls learn how to mask autistic traits or overcompensate for them, in order to appear more neurotypical or “normal” to others. This means that they may not get diagnosed until their teen or adult years.
What you can say instead: “Oh, wow! I didn’t realize that autism affected girls. Can you tell more about your journey?”
Some Final Thoughts About Neurodiversity
Neurodiversity refers to the concept that people interact with the world in different ways, and that there is no one “right” way to think, learn, or behave.
We live in a world full of people with various neurodiversities including autism, ADHD, dyslexia, Down Syndrome, and more. As a community, we have a responsibility to educate ourselves about these behaviors so that we can better support people who are living with these challenges.
.For more information about Autism Spectrum Disorder, visit https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/autism-spectrum-disorders-asd#part_2281
To follow Adrianna’s ASD journey, visit her Brown Girl on the Spectrum TikTok channel.

